Unmatched - the Interview with Author Sarah Lavane

Shalom, friends!

In my previous post I reviewed Unmatched, the memoir of Sarah Lavane who navigated the stormy seas of Jewish matchmaking for decades. If you haven't seen it yet, please check it out here.

So without further ado, I'd like to welcome Sarah Lavane. She joins us here to tell us more about her memoir shedding much light on the “unmatched” who live in a “matched” community.

TELEM: Your book has been out for a while now. What was the most surprising reaction to your memoir?

SARAH: So many readers told me that they stayed up all night to read the book and couldn’t put it down. I had no idea my memoir would do that. It was thrilling to hear!

I was also surprised by the wide spectrum of readers and how they all connected to different themes. One reader was a non-Jewish Romanian woman. English was not even her first language. She connected because she, too, is looking for a religious husband. She told me she read my book with its glossary as well as an English dictionary. I didn't expect that someone would go to that length to read my book. 

An observant married man wrote me that he read it after his wife and daughter couldn't stop talking about it. He connected with the book because of something he went through as a teen. The theme of “Why do bad things happen to good people?” resonated with him.

Another reader related to the theme of grief and loss. So many readers sent me their stories and they all connected to the book for different reasons.

TELEM: I've mentioned in my previous posts that media often treats shomer negia [abstention from touch] as a gimmick. Your book shows how difficult this struggle can be. What are some other aspects of Jewish dating that non-jews and secular jews often misunderstand?

SARAH: Dating in the religious world is much more marriage-minded. Attraction has to be there but we’re also figuring out if our values mesh. Can we picture building a life with this person? 

Many non-Jewish people will assume that people who choose not to engage in physical acts before marriage, choose so out of fear or oppression. They can't conceive of it being a free, albeit often difficult, choice. There are people who stick to Jewish law and suppress themselves. Some cross boundaries whether it’s first, second or third base, guilt-free. Others give up and go off-the-derech [leaving Orthodoxy].

None of those options seem healthy to me. Many, like me, walk the tightrope of wanting to do the right thing but slipping up every now and then. Each of these choices has a price. Lots of singles have difficulty reconciling their desire to do the right thing with their human needs. It’s tough. There is no easy answer to this dilemma.

The frum [religious] world too just doesn't understand the challenge. We don't address it because we are a discreet nation. So I think the fact I bring this up in a modest way, resonated with so many people who are struggling. 

Some matched people wrote to me saying I opened their eyes. They thought they understood the life of singles because they have unmatched people at their Shabbos table. My story informed them of the nitty gritty details. Shomer negia being just one of them. I think the fact that I address it at all, is one of the reasons this book has garnered such strong reactions.

TELEM: Has any of your past dates reached out to you since the publication of the book?  Has anyone apologized for not calling? Seriously, every time you wrote, "He didn't call," I wanted to yell, "Noo!"

SARAH: No. Though one guy liked a post of the book on Facebook. I doubt he recognized himself. Or maybe he never read the memoir. I disguised details and gave everyone nicknames.

TELEM: You have explained in other interviews what inspired you to write a memoir. What convinced you that self-publishing was the right path? As opposed to a frum publisher, for example.

SARAH: When I started writing, I didn’t think my book would be published at all. I couldn’t envision it. But I kept on writing it for me. My mantra was “lo alecha hamelacha l’gmor.” ["Its not your responsibility to finish the work," a quote from pirke avot.]

Secular publishers seem to favor “escape from religion,” academic, theological, historical or holocaust books. And frum publishers tend to kosherize and idealize stories. I had no idea how self-publishing works.

In the end, my editor (whom I hired myself) decided to shop it around. I got an offer from a frum publisher within 24 hours. My editor said she had never seen anything like that happen before. The publisher stated that for practical purposes he didn’t read every word of every manuscript. But because of my editor's description, he began reading and then he couldn't put it down. He stayed up all night to finish every single word. (He was the first person to say that but not the last.) Once the talks began, I realized the publisher was not as openminded as he professed to be and he would change my vision for the book. 

In my frustration, I emailed the publisher saying that if Moshe would come to him with the Torah (l’havdil)[hypothetically speaking - of course these two works are not comparable] he would reject him! Think about it. It starts with two naked people in a garden, then fratricide, followed by idol worship and on and on. It would never pass muster with frum publishers today. He didn’t respond to that. 

I rescinded my manuscript. However that episode made me realize my book was better than I had thought. A religious, married man who didn’t know me, and was in the business, thought my book was really, really good. It was a watershed moment for me. 

God works in mysterious ways because just around that time, my entire department was laid off, so I had plenty of time to research self-publishing. It was a long road, but it was the right choice. I’m so glad I stuck to my vision. The fact that it's published and out there is still so surreal to me. 

TELEM: Writers and serial daters both have to contend with rejection a lot. Do you think your perseverance in remaining frum prepared you for sharing your writing with the world?

SARAH: I was not prepared at all. I was very fearful of judgment and condemnation. I was afraid to share it with my editor (I was a wreck the day I emailed the manuscript to her). There was a lot raw material she had to cut down. 

I was also nervous sharing it with my family before it was published. They didn’t know all my stories. But they were all very supportive, thank God. 

I had this compulsion I couldn’t shake, pushing me to share the story despite my fears. The compulsion started decades ago - I wanted to share my story with a purpose. But of course now, I had so much more to add to the story, more wisdom, more life experience and I’ve taken so many writing workshops and am a much better writer now. 

TELEM: Are you happy you shared your story with the world?

SARAH: Yes, because my goal was to help unmatched people feel validated, heard and seen as well as get matched people to understand and empathize more. 

I've gotten so much feedback from readers. One woman I knew, who had gotten married in her 50s called me crying. When she read it, she highlighted passages of the book. She finished it at 2 a.m. but instead of going to bed paced her living room. She didn't know what to do with her feelings. Her Husband came out of bed to check on her. She had already been married a long time so I asked her about her reaction. She said all those years of being single, she couldn't articulate what it felt like for her. Yet, the book just did it for her. Even though she was married for years, she never shook off that pain.

Another reviewer, who I assume got married at a young age, compared the book to the blind museum in Israel. She explained that she got to experience the journey as though she were in my shoes. There were so many other letters and they confirmed that my book has done just what I had hoped it would. I’m so grateful it has. 

Thank you for your time again, Sarah Levane! And thank you to all my readers. Would you like to learn more about Sarah? Or would you like to send her your review directly? Please, check out her website at unmatchedstory.com

With love,

Telem 💓