Unmatched - A sincere look at shidduchim
Shalom, shalom!
Do you ever feel like whatever you do fails? That although you put effort and time into this thing it doesn't blossom into a tree but stays underground where any progress remains invisible? I have that feeling every so often. Both my passions of being a mom and a writer require lots of work while the fruits could take years to materialize. Everything is trial and error. Worse, even things I thought I figured out can come and kick me in the shin.
Recently I came across a memoir that deals with this in the world of shidduchim, Jewish matchmaking. It's called Unmatched, by Sarah Lavane. We follow Sarah across decades in her struggle to find a husband. The problem? He has to be Orthodox and respectable. I enjoyed this memoir for several reasons. First, it is a time capsule, spanning from the 1980s until today. Second, it's a treasure trove of material for Jewish romance stories. Third, it doesn't sugarcoat and shows a woman having desires. And lastly, it shows that despite everything Sarah doesn't give up Orthodoxy or Hashem, G-d. This makes Sarah's story unique in media about Orthodox Jews.
Frum aka religious publishers have strict guidelines on what Orthodox characters can do on the page. Especially when it comes to romance. I will discuss this in more detail in a future post. Or multiple posts. Imagine that those stories are on one side of the spectrum.
On the other side, we have secular publishers. In their stories, and other media, we often find a trope I like to call it "the Orthodox Jew in his miserable box." For the sake of brevity, I will henceforth refer to this as Boxed OJ. Boxed OJ feels that the boundaries of Orthodoxy confine him. He fears that he will spoil if he doesn't spill out into the world. Once the lid is open and Boxed OJ is free, all his problems magically disappear. He'll live happily ever after. The boundaries are never explained and never have a benefit. And in the worst cases dysfunction is presented not as a bug but as a feature.
In Unmatched Sarah travels along the middle path. Unlike many frum novels I read, Sarah doesn't shy away from letting us see her first dates. The good and the bad. She expresses her frustrations, sometimes even anger at Hashem and the shidduch system. On page 67 she states:
"I could not say 'This too is for the good.' Gam zu l'tova. Not for the millionth time. I was too angry. [...] At the world. At God. I could not stand another moment of this."
Too many times well-meaning Orthodox Jews in her life offer her bad criticism. They tell her she's not trying hard enough, belittling her struggle. It is obvious she tries every way to find a husband. One friend's husband tells her there are many eligible guys. She dares him to set them up. Surprise surprise, the eligible guy comes to their blind date drugged out. In the end, even the friend's husband could see that was a bad shidduch.
Side note, despite my gripes with the boxed OJ trope, I think it's important to try to be empathetic with people who don't fit neatly into the box. As Hillel says in pirke avot 2:4 "Never judge another fellow until you reached his place." Our goal should be to strengthen others, not to kick them while they're down. My issue with boxed OJ is not that it shows someone dissatisfied with Orthodoxy. My issue is that the trope so overrepresented that outsiders to the community will think that we're all suffering all the time. Or, that we don't have joy in our lives. There are plenty of well-adjusted, Orthodox Jews but they're rarely visible.
If Sarah's memoir were a secular novel, her problems would all be reasons for why she would start a romance with a gentile. Although she has several flirty interactions with handsome gentiles, going so far as to hold someone's hand and having a pen pal, she never starts a relationship with them. On page 46 she writes:
"I turned it on God: I am a religious woman trying to meet a religious man and I need your help. Please explain it to me. Why do I have rapport with the men who are all wrong for me?"
As a reader I worried, "Is she leaving Orthodoxy? Would she come back?"
Sarah does something that might seem paradoxical. Instead of giving up, she intensifies her relationship with Hashem. She recites more Tehillim. She does more good deeds. She cries and tries again. Sarah comes to the conclusion that although she doesn't understand why, she understands that Hashem is in control. On page 79, Sarah concludes:
"We cannot control You, but we can learn to recognize that we must control ourselves instead. That is all we can do. That, and stand in awe of You."
Sarah's story reminded me that while we're not in control of the world, we shouldn't give up when it gets hard. I found this especially relatable with my writing. When I first started this blog the viewership exceeded my expectations. The Genesis of Dark Romance has the most views, so I thought, maybe I can lean into that. My previous post called "Love is the Antidote to Antisemitism" was about romance during the slavery in Egypt. I thought I figured it out. But that post underperformed. Tanked. What did I do wrong?
I couldn't figure it out. I wanted to write some more posts but everything required more research. I was stuck. I wondered again what went wrong. Had I alienated my readers? Would I fail at blogging? No problem, I would work on my novels.
And then I had an accident. I slipped on some water and fell on my head. The resulting concussion made writing impossible for several days. Reading was easier on my brain so after two days of strict rest, I started reading to pass the time.
I read Unmatched mostly in bed. Sarah's message of accepting Hashem's plan even when it's difficult resonated with me. I was grateful I hadn't broken anything and that I hadn't passed out from the concussion. And now, while I still struggle with vertigo from time to time, I do feel much better.
Sarah's resilience fascinated me. On page 114 she writes:
"I didn't merely believe in Him. I knew Him. I felt Him. He was there. But when I felt crushed under the weight of humiliation or loneliness, or when life seemed unjust, I struggled. Jacob was called 'Israel' which connotes "struggle," after struggling with the angel. We are Bnai Yisrael, the Children of Struggle."
Sarah, as many Jews who came before her, struggled. Still, she remained religious. I think this is something many depictions of Orthodox Jews in secular media lack. Because Jewish resilience is a feature, not a bug.
Thank you for reading this far! If you would like to ask some questions to Sarah Lavane herself, please comment or reach out to me. I will interview her, Gd willing, in a month. Exact date TBD. In the meantime, you can check out her website here.
With love,
Tamar aka Telem ๐
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